The Weekly Guff

A married couple have told their friends that after a long and eventful marriage that they actually hate each and have always done so. Stuart and Jill now in their 60's from Yorkshire, first got together in their teens, however despite continual arguments, tears and tantrums they stuck at it through thick and thin, only now to realise that they have been a couple of twats. Stuart explained "I was a like a horse with blinkers crossed with a dog with two dicks at first, all I could see was a great pair of tits and her obvious signs of being majorly bonkers didn't seem to put me off and I just got mesmerised by a sprinkling of the magic fanny dust and once kids come along you are basically f*cked. What a complete knob I have been." He went on "a convicted terrorist would have got less of a sentence than this"  His wife Jill has told her friends via her Facebook page "I can't believe we are still together after all this time. I wish I dumped the moody m

The comedian Tim Vine is now confined to his home and never seen in public as it is revealed by his agent that he is now incapable of holding a conversation with anyone and only able to blurt out one line gags, a statement on his website explains.  Tim, out of the TV comedy 'Not Going Out' which is now quite ironic, hasn't been see in public for months now, however we managed to contact Tim directly on the phone in order to validate this news and he told us "I didn't like my beard at first but then it grew on me." He went on "I wondered why football was getting big, then it hit me."  He concluded "I am now selling my hoover as it was just collecting dust." Reporter Jim Broadbean Image BBC Photo More news stories at  www.weeklyguff.com   Weekly Guff Facebook Page  HERE https://www.jeanniesequestrianworld.co.uk/2017/09/29/call-1000-fine-horse-dung-roads/ Recent articles; Marmite is worse than heroine! 25 year old man admits listen

A mum has posted another  genius hack in which she demonstrates a great way to eat Cornflakes. She tells her followers on TikTok that adding milk to the bowl and then Cornflakes makes it taste much better!  This viral post has attracted many comments such as "Wow this is genius!" Another said "This has changed my view completely on the famous corn based breakfast cereal."  38 year old Jenny Rectal from Austin, Texas has previously posted other shit ideas such as 'How to pour a glass of water', 'A better way to bite an apple' and 'Dropping a tea bag into a cup the magic way'.  If you want to view more of her housekeeping ideas, then just search on TikTok for 'Attention seeking dried up clueless housewife who has far too much time on her hands.' Reporter Debbie Saucepan Image Engin Akyurt More news stories at  www.weeklyguff.com   Weekly Guff Facebook Page  HERE https://www.jeanniesequestrianworld.co.uk/2017/09/29/call-1000-

A 42 year old woman from Tring has had to apologise to her group of friends after boring them to buggery with her constant social media posts of how absolutely marvellous her home baked bread recipes have turned out of her breadmaker.  Georgie Bakewell from Cheswell Crescent bought her new Morphy Richards 'Magic Bake' during lockdown and loves to share her baking prowess to her friends. She told them "Sorry for being such a twat for my bread orientated posts. After my husband left me for piling on the pounds last year I don't have anyone to share things with."  She went on "I know it was insensitive of me to keep posting pictures of my bread when I know many you do not have a breadmaker, however whenever I turned out the perfect farmhouse granary or walnut wholemeal, I couldn't help myself and what makes it so much worse is I am now a huge unit and struggle to get out the door so I shouldn't even be touching the stuff!" Home baking ha

Bertie the dog looking a tad glum A 10 year old Labrador called Bertie from Hemel Hempstead has told his owner to f**k off after failing to deliver his favourite daily snack of Bonio dog biscuits during the recent Covid-19 lockdown. He spelt out his dissatisfaction on the Golden Retrievers Group page on Facebook, where he said "I don't ask for much in life, just two walks a day and some decent scoff.  My bedtime Bonio is my only real treat and my twat of an owner can't even make sure that happens. He's OK with his beer and endless f***ing Netflix box sets, but looking after his so called best friend is now a bit too difficult for him. Not happy!"   Bertie's owner Colin Boswell, posted a reply after receiving numerous hate postings from other Labrador's and owners, by saying "I have tried to maintain the supply of his Bonio's but Amazon have run out and I have have struggled to get out to the shops on account of me being a fat lazy bastard, however

A man in his twenties has admitted that he regularly listens to progressive rock. Neville Brown, 25 from Salisbury has come clean with his friends and told them that he is enjoying many different groups from the music genre normally associated with old grey haired men in ill fitting jeans and who own Volvo's.  He said " I am sorry but I need to tell you that I have been enjoying the ridiculously long intro's, unusual time signatures, twiddly interludes and trademark bass pedal segments characteristic of groups such as Yes, Genesis, Pink Floyd and King Crimson. I cannot keep this a secret for any longer."  His friends however have been supportive in their comments, one saying "Hey man, don't feel embarrassed, we still love you."  Another commented "So brave of you to come out about this." We asked Bob Wakeman, Prof of Music Psychology at Bristol University, if young people listening to old persons music is widespread. He explained "Yes it i

You either love it or hate it, but for Tim Cockwaft of Wimbledon, the former is most certainly the case, so much so that he has been seeking help for his severe habit of eating Marmite with and on everything. Tim, 42, a bus driver said on his twitter account and read by all 7 of his followers, "I blame lockdown for this. I am in a terrible state now as all I can eat is bloody Marmite! I have to have it on everything including fruit. I just never recognised the signs until it was too late. Even when I was sneaking downstairs at 2am to have a cheeky jam and Marmite sandwich, it didn't occur to me that I was on the road to yeast extract addiction. The bastards have now put it in peanut butter for f***s sake - what is a man to do?"   The savoury spread manufactured by Unilever has long been thought by health professionals to contain certain properties that can affect the human mind and send some people a bit nuts, plus it can raise your blood pressure so high your head will e

It has long been a mystery why Storm Troopers out of Star Wars are consistently unable to hit anything with their stun guns allowing the main characters in the classic sci-fi films to always kill them first, this is despite the fact that they usually outnumber the opposition by at least 10:1.  It has was put to the film company by a Star Wars Fanzine group, that this may be a deliberate ploy by the director and the fact that the troopers, none of which can shoot for toffee, fails to reflect the reality of a proper fire fight in space. Tarquin Geekamon said in this months edition of The Force is Real, "It just isn't right, the troopers simply cannot hit a pig's arse with a banjo!  Have they not been trained to shoot for Darth's sake? Can they even see out of those twatting helmets? It really needs to be addressed for future films" he ranted.   Lucas Films or Disney who now own the rights, have not commented, but an inside source has said " We do appreciate tha

Professional Behaviour v Being a Complete Bell-end - That is the Question? The English Football Association have reminded players about the rules rules for the Premier League about kissing each other when celebrating goals. The latest re-emphasis for preventing the spread of Covid-19 has been welcome amongst most fans, although apparently not the players. The rules are clear about players not cuddling or climbing over each other as well as kissing and rubbing up against fellow team members, however the knobbish practice just carries on as if to say " We don't give a f*ck, we do as we please" The public are rightly wondering are they really that thick as shit, or do they generally just not give a toss about the risk of spreading the virus around? An insider at St Georges Park UK HQ commented "We are worried about the spread of Covid, however we do not want to remove the passion from the game, therefore players can continue to make the usual twats of themselves after s

A Pile of Horse Crap The sight of horse shite on our roads and footpaths is quite a common sight these days as equine ownership increases, however the unwillingness or inability of horse riders to pick up their animals stinking dung piles is angering many dog owners who say there is one rule for them and one for others. The furious complainant wrote to Devon Council regarding piles of crap left on Exmouth beach. "Why can't they they pick it up after themselves? If I pulled down my trollies and shat one out on the High Street I would probably get fined and so should the dirty posho fat arsed horse brigade that make our town look like the wild west"!  Opinion is divided on this issue with many residents happy enough to take a spade and Tesco carrier and fill it up to feed their tomato plants. However there is a serious point to be made by some cyclists who view the large deposits of gee gee dump as a safety hazard. Tony Tosswell ranted on his Facebook page "The utter t

They say it is never too late to be enlightened and where sport is concerned this is certainly the case. Like countless others I have to admit that I always viewed squash players as part of an elite group that required not only a perfect physique and fitness, but also to be named either Quintin or Eugine, call everyone 'darling' and drives a Porsche come Tesla,  however that turns out to be a load of tosh!  Just prior to this darn pandemic I picked up a squash racket for the first time at the age of 39 and together with more than a few extra pounds around my waist and some creaky joints, I gave it a go at my local health club and surprisingly I got hooked in no time.   I have previously bashed around a few other projectiles with different bats and rackets before, never very well, but this was much easier than I thought and I didn't once feel like Niles and Frasier Crane as I clumsily chased around after that rubber ball. There is also another version of this game called Squ

At the best of times the vitriolic tongued presenter of the Grand Tour and Top Gear can be a miserable bastard, but his latest piece in the Sun newspaper takes his pessimism to new depths as he says that 2021 will be a walk in the park compared to 2020.  Justifying his view he explains how we will be locked up for months watching repeats on Netflix, still not going to the pub, going nowhere on holiday as everything will still be cancelled and our economy will be a catastrophe after we have paid for the continued hand outs from Mr Sunak and generally everything is going to be very shitty indeed. Clarkson says he will be so miserable he has bought a 3D printer to make a gun and may feel like taking some heroine! So if you were feeling a tad more positive about the coming year then have a look at what he says and see what you think. Come on Jezzer you doomfull old lump, will it really be that bad?  Reporter Bob Sponge Article can be found HERE https://www.thedailymash.co.uk/ http://www.ne

A man from Redditch has started a campaign for the UK to re-join the EU only days after it has just left. John Cheese 48, a window fitter and staunch remainer, has written on his Europhile blog "Brexit is shite and we need to reverse this as soon as possible" He joins Lord Adonis who has long said that we should never leave and also wants us to re-join again, however as nobody appears to be taking him seriously, Mr Cheese is looking for others to join his fight. So far his Facebook campaign page has received 4 likes. When we pointed out to Mr Cheese that it took Nigel Farage 30 years to fight for us to leave and therefore he maybe was embarking on an fruitless task, he said "I don't care how long it takes to get back in, even we have to sign up to the twatting Euro we should still do it. Ed Davey my hero from the Liberals, I know will fight this with me as well and make this a key policy in the next election"  One other person on his Facebook page suggested that

  It has just been announced that the discounter supermarket Aldi will deliver the second phase of the Covid-19 vaccine for the over 50's starting around mid-February 2021. The contract has been awarded due to the alarming speed at which Aldi check out staff can throw customers items past the bar code reader and therefore potentially enabling them to vaccinate around 1,000 people with the Oxford jab each day per UK store. Aldi's spokesperson said " We are pleased to be able to help with the national effort and will designate one checkout in every store to administer the vaccines. Staff will get trained in where to shove the needle and every person having the jab will get a free tin of lager, so long as they have spent £5 in store."  The Government Health press office tweeted  "In many ways we have made a complete shit up of handling this pandemic, however this decision is a masterstroke in our battle against this terrible virus."  Reporter - Jim Broadbean