The Weekly Guff

  It has just been announced that the discounter supermarket Aldi will deliver the second phase of the Covid-19 vaccine for the over 50's starting around mid-February 2021. The contract has been awarded due to the alarming speed at which Aldi check out staff can throw customers items past the bar code reader and therefore potentially enabling them to vaccinate around 1,000 people with the Oxford jab each day per UK store. Aldi's spokesperson said " We are pleased to be able to help with the national effort and will designate one checkout in every store to administer the vaccines. Staff will get trained in where to shove the needle and every person having the jab will get a free tin of lager, so long as they have spent £5 in store."  The Government Health press office tweeted  "In many ways we have made a complete shit up of handling this pandemic, however this decision is a masterstroke in our battle against this terrible virus."  Reporter - Jim Broadbean 

With the signs pointing towards positively to being able to plan a holiday which won't be cancelled for 2021, many of us are now starting to look at what is available and booking early could save you some pennies, however beware of the shit holiday choice that could be a real post-Covid let down. Here are our top 5 wank holidays to avoid.  5. The Unnamed Resort - Yes you know the deal, sign up to a package where you know the place you are going but not the hotel or resort. Why do they do this? Quite simply so that they can dump you off at some crap hole that nobody else has booked (for good reason) such as Ayia Napa or Magaluf. Bollocks to that we say! Pay a bit extra and know where you are heading. 4. Singles Mismatch - If you are on your own you could be tempted to sign up to a singles holiday where you will be with some like minded singletons to share your time with. Sounds OK in practice, but be careful because the chances are you will be with a load of people you spend the w

A change could be coming again for the 14th Doctor Who, after news has been announced that the somewhat so-so tenure of the current incumbent Jodie Whittaker will be coming to an end (so she says) who has failed to hit the mark for the die hard 'Who' fans. Those being touted as the next time lord are: Boy George The bookies choice - The word at the Beeb is this time they want to go the whole hog on the woke scale with a overly camp Doctor to provide some welcome laughs and who better than the king of gay himself. Adding a musical theme to the new series could well be a winner. Richard Wilson The star of 90's sitcom One Foot in the Grave, many believe would be an excellent choice for the role. His gruff, dower demeanour and ability to get upset at any situation he encounters would no doubt be popular with the older viewer, plus every time he arrives and steps out of the Tardis he could shout "I don't bloody believe it"! Gordon Ramsay Not known for his acting ab

The sleepy town of Causton in Midsomer must have a homicide rate per head of population higher than Cape Town with unsuspecting actors getting bumped off in their hundreds every year in Midsomer Murders. That poor old DCI Barnaby and his sidekick are run ragged trying to sort out the carnage and to make the place even less desirable, it is being invaded by fans of the show wanting to spot their favourite murder scene. However they may want to reconsider this to reduce their risk of ending up on the slab being examined by a police pathologist who doesn't have a clue what he is talking about. The series is mainly filmed around villages in Buckinghamshire so if you are planning to  visit the likes of Amersham or Beaconsfield here are our top tips for not being bludgeoned to death by a mysterious person in an overcoat, leather gloves and an ill fitting hat.  Do not walk through church graveyards as these are often where people are killed. Barns and outhouses are also very dangerous pla

- William Shatner - out of Star Trek - The team responsible for the classic sci-fi first series aired during the 1970's has admitted to loyal fans known as 'Trekkies'  that the show was in fact not real and was filmed in a studio.  An inside source from the production company said in a statement 'Dear fans, we are so very sorry, but we need to let you know that Star Trek was never real, it was made up from stories written by someone with an imagination and filmed in front of TV cameras. This was not a conspiracy, only an attempt to entertain you all"   William Shatner, otherwise known as Captain James T Kirk or 'The Shat' was the iconic actor throughout it's first series. who played the main man of the USS Enterprise, often synonymous with ham style overacting and dreadful singing, was unavailable for comment, however our source added "We couldn't really understand at the time that it was never questioned why on every planet the landing crew vi

A woman from Gateshead got more than she reckoned for when she ordered a classic thermos flask on Amazon's 'deal on the day', when the parcel contained a 'Rapid Rabbit' ladies pleasure toy instead.  Carol Lovelace, 49, a marketing manager said on social media "Well imagine my surprise when I opened up my parcel to see a rather large battery operated rubberised device"!  She went on to say "At first I thought it was a large easy grip torch but then couldn't see any bulb on the end of it. The size of it was actually about the same as the flask I ordered but it didn't have a tartan pattern so I knew something was wrong. It's a good job I checked it before wrapping it up as a gift for my mother"!  Carol has complained to Amazon seller and they have arranged a replacement to be sent out the next day.  Reporter Sue Prune Image Streegar - Unsplash

 - Barry Bent from Cardiff -  A 55 year old man from Cardiff has been detained for his own safety under Section 136 of the Mental Health Act after he woke up one day convinced that he was Darth Vader. Barry Bent of Camilla Drive, a fork lift driver was taken into custody following a number of reported incidents in the city where dressed as the famed Dark Lord of the Sith, he ran into various retail outlets and public houses, making menacing threats in a low husky voice to anyone he thought may know the whereabouts of Obi-Wan Kenobi. While in the Rising Sun pub a local yob, questioned his parentage which appeared to enrage Mr Bent who hit him with with his light saber, however because it was purchased from Poundland it didn't have the dramatic effect often seen in the George Lucas films, which was followed by the Vader impersonator getting his helmet knocked off his head and the landlord barring him indefinitely.  Once detained Mr Bent demanded police officers immediatel

A delivery driver from Walthamstow is claiming a new British record for the distance he has managed to throw an Amazon Prime parcel. His Olympian 50ft hurling of a boxed Bluetooth speaker was verified by the recipient Tim Dunbar of Pilon View Towers, who told his Facebook followers "I couldn't believe it, there I was doing some washing up at my fourth floor block of flats open kitchen window, so imagine my surprise when my parcel came flying past my earhole! This was followed by my phone pinging to notify me of the successful delivery. I looked out of the window to see the delivery driver jumping up and down in celebration like he had just scored a penalty at Wembley".  He went on to say "Luckily my speaker was undamaged when I opened it which is always a result".   A spokesperson from the courier company DPH was unable to verify if this was a company or industry record or not, however we managed to track down the jubilant courier driver the next day, a Vince Hu

What goes on behind the doors of Buckingham Palace for most of remains a mystery, however recent leaked information from a Palace insider reveals what our Queen of England like to do to amuse oneself and top of her list is a good old evenings binge on the Netflix. According to our source during the first lockdown she got so engrossed with the streaming service that poor old Phillip was ordered out of the royal TV room so our sovereign could watch her favourite programmes undisturbed.   What may surprise you is her top choices of watching pleasure. Royal staff who have been waiting on her with beers and crisps during her Flix sessions have commented on her rolling with laughter at the Trailer Park Boys which appears to be her number 1 watch with all 12 seasons being completed back to back. No amount of foul language and their drug and booze fuelled antics from Ricky, Julian and Bubbles seemed to phase Britain's head of state.  Breaking Bad also appears to be up there in the list as

The future doesn't only belong to Tesla and Google with their driverless cars destined for our roads, but you may be surprised that there are also two wheeled alternatives already being tested on public roads. CEO of Droidcycle, based in Ohio, Don Winkler commented "We are very pleased with early test results which shows great potential for our concept model the ZCT-electric rider-less powered eco-bike.  We have had a few set backs along the way, for example the bike performs well in a straight line but tends to fall over when it slows down or takes a corner. We have also had a few pedestrians knocked over regretfully and the range is currently often not enough for the bike to get back to us, however we are working on fixes for these issues. When asked what the actual point of a bike with nobody on it is? He answered by saying "Bikes are a huge part of our future for motoring and one without the weight of a rider will be quicker and more economical to run, plu

  A husband's delight at his wife leaving the house for a day’s shopping trip with her best friend, soon turned sour after he plugged himself into his favoured Porn Hub MILF action on the downstairs computer with his headphones on. What he hadn't bargained for was his wife forgetting her purse and sending her friend back in with her key to retrieve it, while she removed the car from the garage. Oblivious of her re-entry, Neil Bellender, 39 from Dorking was already stripped to the buff and in full flight with Andrex at the ready. He later commented on his Facebook page "Can you imagine my surprise when midway through what should have been an enjoyable 'Tommy Tank' I see my wife's best friend stood there red faced looking at me"!?  He went on to say that his wife Debbie remains mortified over the incident and hasn't spoken to him since, although luckily her friend Emma can now see the funny side. He could only offer advice to his friends saying "

  All Cornish pasties are not the same we are led to believe. An independent pasty shop owner from Cornwall has claimed the ultimate snack food accolade by being the only UK pasty supplier that isn't award winning!  Bob Carrot owner of the Miner's Nammet in Port Weiner, said he was so immensely proud not to have any awards whatsoever and that makes his shop unique and his own version of the West country's favourite traditional beef and veg crimped pastry-based snack, the most sought after in Cornwall.  "They can stick their awards right up their arse" he said, "Everyone has some kind of bollocks prize for theirs, but ours are just as good as any so-called award winners, in fact we should have a special award for not having a bloody pasty award!"  Mr Potato ranted on "We challenge any official pasty inspector to come here and try ours and if they don't like them, they can f**k right off!  Our moto is  'Ginsters are shite, ours are dead righ

  Most of us have seen them, or maybe know one, the people who feel that rules do not apply to them or they generally just don't get it. The rise of the 'Cov-unt' (Covunt or Covantigus Giganticus) doesn't appear to slow down during this pandemic, so here are our top 5 ways of becoming a complete specimen of a 'V-unter'. 5. The Mask Drooper In fifth place are those who simply cannot wear a mask to actually render the darn thing of any use whatsoever.  Hanging off their noses and chins, they may as well not bother. Do the fucking thing up properly you numpty!  Take note you idiots; nice chap in pic doing it correctly! 4. Back Off A***holes It is amazing that after all this time some people just do not get the concept of personal space or don't give a rats. You really don't need a tape measure to know what 2 metres is do you? Get out of my face you virus spreading tit! 3. The COVID-19 Objectors Ok, so you may not be happy with all these rules a

  German discounter Lidl have announced record profits throughout the period of the pandemic which unlike other more established supermarkets, could well be put down to the mandatory wearing of face coverings.  Why? An internal Lidl source explained that mask wearing has allowed all the stuck-up Waitrose and M&S toffee nosed types to venture in now under cover without being spotted. He said "It happened very quickly after masks were mandated, our car parks were crammed with 'Chelsea tractors' and hoity toity types dressed in Laura Ashley and Helly Hanson"  The new breed of 'Lidl Toffs' are easy to spot normally avoiding the central bargain non-food items and aiming for the good stuff.   He went on to say "They can't get enough of our Deluxe range and we have had to ramp up our stock threefold"   They quickly get found out when their gold credit cards get refused at the checkouts - debit cards only are not a concept that was neither expected

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