Rise of the Upper Masked Thrift Hunters

German discounter Lidl have announced record profits throughout the period of the pandemic which unlike other more established supermarkets, could well be put down to the mandatory wearing of face coverings. Why? An internal Lidl source explained that mask wearing has allowed all the stuck-up Waitrose and M&S toffee nosed types to venture in now under cover without being spotted. He said "It happened very quickly after masks were mandated, our car parks were crammed with 'Chelsea tractors' and hoity toity types dressed in Laura Ashley and Helly Hanson" The new breed of 'Lidl Toffs' are easy to spot normally avoiding the central bargain non-food items and aiming for the good stuff. He went on to say "They can't get enough of our Deluxe range and we have had to ramp up our stock threefold"

They quickly get found out when their gold credit cards get refused at the checkouts - debit cards only are not a concept that was neither expected or easily understood" One upper class twit shopper in her waxed jacket and Hunter wellies was reported to say how she loves secretly mixing with all the peasants' with little risk of being caught. "It's quite liberating being so far out of my comfort zone and gives me a similar buzz to doing a line of coke"!

A Lidl spokesperson later said that they hope that profits will not fall when shoppers’ faces are revealed again. Unfortunately, many of these new breed of bargain hunters doesn’t give a f*ck about social distancing in their bid to get in and out quickly. This recent socially adjusted 'hooray Henry' behaviour has also reportedly been experienced at discount competitors Aldi.

'Snobbo-Bargainia' phobia is now a recognised condition where members of the public who are 'up their own arses with their own importance' are severely embarrassed to be seen shopping for cheap European sourced provisions.

Reporter Eileen Von-Trapp

Image K Mitch Hodge - Unsplash